I’m missing my mom as football season is around the corner. Don’t get it twisted, neither my mom nor I were really into watching sports but we always got CRAY CRAY together during the Super Bowl. Every year me and my husband would go to my parent’s tiny town house to eat a spread of Korean food, drink a couple of beers or crown and cokes, and scream at the small TV that still had an antenna, even though we had a 60 inch flat screen at home. My mom knew less about football then a 2 year old trying to create an Excel spreadsheet. She would just yell at the TV when anyone was running. So she pretty much cheered for both teams, not knowing what the hell was going on. I knew a little more then her but not too much. But it didn’t matter. Watching her get hype and screaming “Hurdy hurdy, run run you shiet MUDDA-FUCKA, yeahhhhhh” was good enough for me. I miss that.
After her death in January 2014 I couldn’t have cared less about football. Watching the games at home with my husband became annoying as fuck because, why care about the game, when in the end, the Super Bowl meant nothing to me anymore? I know it sounds crazy to associate football season with missing my mom, especially since we weren’t a sports watching family. But truthfully, everything reminds me of my mom. Everything makes me miss my mom. A leaf could fly by, and I would think of my mom. She was my everything.
I joined an all women’s fantasy football league for many reasons. #1 being that it would help my marriage by giving us a common hobby to care about because I didn’t care at all before and he cared too much. Ironically, the tables have turned and I’m the one who cares too much now. #2 being that in some way, I felt it brought me some type of connection to the game again. Gave me a reason to care about the Super Bowl again, even though the heart of why I loved it was now gone. I spent a couple hours this morning setting up my team for this coming week’s game and all I could think about was her. I’ve pretty much turned into the same crazed screaming woman at the TV that my mom was, but with less of an accent and more knowledge about the game LOL. My husband even has a video of me literally bawling crying and screaming “FUCK YOU ANDY DALTON, FUCK YOU! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK YOUR THUMB IN THE FIRST QUARTER!?!?!?!?!?!?”
Even after almost 3 years since she passed, I am still grieving and handling things the best I know how. Fantasy Football is much healthier and productive then drinking multiple bottles of wine a day. I’m still on my path of growing, missing, learning, crying, coping, and everything else that comes with the grief of losing a parent/best friend. My coping mechanisms are becoming more “healthy” and less destructive. Maybe my mom can help me win my FF league this year so I can win the Shiva Trophy! Hey mom, that’s a hint to help me win my FF league this year hehe!
“The moment that you died, my heart was torn in two, one side filled with heartache, the other died with you. I often lie awake at night, when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane, with tears upon my cheeks. Remembering you is easy, I do it every day, but missing you is heartache, that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain. Until the joyous day arrives, that we will meet again” – Unknown