True Friends Are So Rare

I have lost so many people in my life. My “father” by blood left my mother and me when I was 3 or 4. He ran away to South Korea in the middle of the night with my mom’s best friend and took all the money my mom had earned cleaning buildings when she didn’t know a lick of english and left us with nothing. Thank God that my mom had some saved money on the side, just in case. She was a dreamer, fighter, magnificent, and gorgeous… but she was careful. The world had burned her too many times. He didn’t work a day in his life. The participating cheater cunt with my father was a woman who was invited into our home many times calling my mother her “sister” per Korean culture, because my mom treated her as so. He used her for a green card. Yes, that happens with Asians. I don’t have one fond memory of him. Only him beating my mom and many drunk days/nights where his behavior was absolutely irrational. My mother re-married to my step-father, who I’ve considered my dad for most of my life. To be clear, a “father/sperm donor” vs. a “dad” are two totally different things.

However, I lost my mother recently to a brain tumor and breast cancer, and soon after that I lost my step dad but in a different way. He met a new woman and re-married within a year and pretty much forgot about me (his step-daughter who considered him a real father for over 20 years). If he had continued to treat me the same, I wouldn’t feel the way that I do (or so I think).. But he is a completely different person now. I’ve known him as my father for over 20 years and now I have no idea who he is. He has two other children from a previous marriage, and I’m starting to understand how they must have felt when we came into the picture. He has his own way of compartmentalizing and detaching himself from anything in the past. To the point that he lied to his wife and begged of me to never to let his new wife know that I am not his blood daughter and that he was previously married before my mom and has a son and daughter from his first marriage.

I am broken. I put on many acts at times to be the social “Somi” who is carefree, friendly, loving, cheerful, thoughtful, fun, and has no cares in the world. But the loss of identity continually stirs in my soul. I am struggling so hard between the meaning of “family”. My family by blood has done nothing but betray me, excluding a few people. But my friends whom I consider my family, have almost never let me down. I need to get away from the societal definitions of what “family” means. Each person is different. Each family is crazy in their own ways. I know I am not the only one who has family issues and I am on the path of trying to re-define my life with these new revelations. Blood is not thicker than water. This is the truth. I have had friends who have stuck by me in all my trials and tribulations over many years, when on the other hand, not one family member thought it was important enough to attend my mothers funeral because they live in Cali. This is mostly me venting… But I just wanted to put words on paper, so I can have a reminder that my friends, my husband, my in-laws… they have all treated me more like family then any blood ties that I have had. It is difficult to feel abandoned, to say that you no longer have a mom or a real father or a dad… but I need to be thankful for those who I do have. Those that remember my mom’s death anniversary and will do anything to cheer me up. Those who cry with me, when I’m having a panic attack because they feel my pain. Those who I can call in the middle of the night and TELL them I’m staying over because my husband and I got in a fight and if I don’t leave, I’ll probably end up karate chopping him in the throat.

I hope people in my situation can take this information and take a moment to realize the good they have in their life. Regardless of the family drama, you can lead a great life with a great family, because how family is defined is by your own definition.

“Family isn’t always blood. It is the people in your life who want you in theirs. The ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what” – Unknown

Football Season

I’m missing my mom as football season is around the corner. Don’t get it twisted, neither my mom nor I were really into watching sports but we always got CRAY CRAY together during the Super Bowl. Every year me and my husband would go to my parent’s tiny town house to eat a spread of Korean food, drink a couple of beers or crown and cokes, and scream at the small TV that still had an antenna, even though we had a 60 inch flat screen at home. My mom knew less about football then a 2 year old trying to create an Excel spreadsheet. She would just yell at the TV when anyone was running. So she pretty much cheered for both teams, not knowing what the hell was going on. I knew a little more then her but not too much. But it didn’t matter. Watching her get hype and screaming “Hurdy hurdy, run run you shiet MUDDA-FUCKA, yeahhhhhh” was good enough for me. I miss that.

After her death in January 2014 I couldn’t have cared less about football. Watching the games at home with my husband became annoying as fuck because, why care about the game, when in the end, the Super Bowl meant nothing to me anymore? I know it sounds crazy to associate football season with missing my mom, especially since we weren’t a sports watching family. But truthfully, everything reminds me of my mom. Everything makes me miss my mom. A leaf could fly by, and I would think of my mom. She was my everything.

I joined an all women’s fantasy football league for many reasons. #1 being that it would help my marriage by giving us a common hobby to care about because I didn’t care at all before and he cared too much. Ironically, the tables have turned and I’m the one who cares too much now. #2 being that in some way, I felt it brought me some type of connection to the game again. Gave me a reason to care about the Super Bowl again, even though the heart of why I loved it was now gone. I spent a couple hours this morning setting up my team for this coming week’s game and all I could think about was her. I’ve pretty much turned into the same crazed screaming woman at the TV that my mom was, but with less of an accent and more knowledge about the game LOL. My husband even has a video of me literally bawling crying and screaming “FUCK YOU ANDY DALTON, FUCK YOU! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK YOUR THUMB IN THE FIRST QUARTER!?!?!?!?!?!?

Even after almost 3 years since she passed, I am still grieving and handling things the best I know how. Fantasy Football is much healthier and productive then drinking multiple bottles of wine a day. I’m still on my path of growing, missing, learning, crying, coping, and everything else that comes with the grief of losing a parent/best friend. My coping mechanisms are becoming more “healthy” and less destructive. Maybe my mom can help me win my FF league this year so I can win the Shiva Trophy! Hey mom, that’s a hint to help me win my FF league this year hehe!

 

“The moment that you died, my heart was torn in two, one side filled with heartache, the other died with you. I often lie awake at night, when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane, with tears upon my cheeks. Remembering you is easy, I do it every day, but missing you is heartache, that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain. Until the joyous day arrives, that we will meet again” – Unknown

 

The Beginning

Shit got real in August. I wonder if anyone else experienced a total life swap last month like I did. Every friend from everywhere needed my help and advice, which I was more than happy to provide. The only issue is that I am an introvert, so I am fucking exhausted. This is my first blog entry, let alone my first blog. I decided to just put my shit out there, because life is too short. And hell, if no one reads this or gets anything from it, at least I know I will. It’s my new form of journaling. Although, I will admit, I prefer writing with various colors of pens (depending on my mood) and jotting everything down on paper. To be honest, I have no freaking clue where this is going to go, but the hardest part was getting it started in the first place. All I know is that this blog will be full of crazy, funny, painful, heart-warming, real-life experiences and stories. Cussing will be involved (obviously that’s clear if you’ve gotten to this point) because that’s how I talk in real-life, so if that’s not for you, I suggest you stop now.

Now as for how I came up with my website name… My name is Somi. I’m a Korean American woman on the verge of turning 30 (I feel about 90 though with all the experiences of my life jam packed together these past years). I’ve had many nicknames growing up – Somi Playstation, do re mi fa SO – SOMI, ShowMeSomeSomi, Somi The Homie, That’s So-Mi (pronounced So-Me), etc.

I want this blog to be about life, the trials and tribulations, a non-judgmental safe zone for all people, an advice column, and whatever else it turns out to be. This is just the beginning. I’ll roll with the punches and who knows where this will take us. I will write about my own personal experiences and how I dealt with them (I most likely did not handle it in the “best way” but, it is what it is and I managed it the best way I could in that moment). THIS IS A NO-JUDGEMENT ZONE! I just want to make that clear!

I am considered the “therapist” in my group of friends, so I also want this to be a place where people can go, feel safe, and ask away or share their stories. We all have crazy families, friends, co-workers, bosses, partners, pets, sometimes all of them combined, and more. At times when I have felt so alone, I realized I wasn’t, by hearing other people’s stories. I am a huge empath and feel so much empathy, almost to a fault (Empathy should not be mistaken as sympathy as they are two completely different worlds). We must all connect to the core of simply BEING. When you shed all the exterior bullshit, we are all just looking for understanding, love, authenticity, appreciation, and connection. So feel free to join in on this discovery of life and hopefully it brings some type of peace into your life and mine.

So let’s begin…

Shit just got real. I just felt an earthquake in Texas for the first time. I guess that’s life for you. You never know when things will get shaken up. To be continued…

 

“A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked TO each other instead of ABOUT each other” – Unknown